The Specialist

No Relationship Is a Waste

Even the people who are terrible for us are not a waste. In fact, the most painful relationships often lead us deeper into the truth of who we are.

When we look closely, we’re rarely just chasing another person—we’re chasing who we want to be. We’re drawn to what they represent: confidence, success, strength, freedom, fun, security, acceptance, intellect, or love. Sometimes it’s not even who they actually are, but the potential we project onto them.

These relationships become mirrors, showing us the parts of ourselves that want to grow.

What We See in Narcissists

Narcissists often appear to have it all—confidence, success, independence—because they are unapologetic about putting themselves first. While their behavior can be deeply unhealthy and damaging, there is still a lesson hidden inside the attraction.

The lesson isn’t to become like them.

The lesson is that you are allowed to advocate for your own needs and dreams, too.

I’ve often felt jealous of the apparent ease, success, and independence of the narcissists I’ve been drawn to. At the same time, I’ve been deeply uncomfortable with feelings like jealousy and anger. But those feelings point to something important: parts of me that wanted more freedom, power, and self-trust.

The Antidote: Prioritize Yourself

It’s easy to be drawn to confidence and success in others. The real shock comes when those people don’t prioritize your needs at all.

The antidote is not trying harder to be chosen.

The antidote is choosing yourself.

When you prioritize yourself, you set the standard for how others are allowed to treat you. You stop negotiating your worth and start honoring it.

When Someone Feels Nothing—and You Feel Everything

A common realization after a breakup with a narcissist is the belief that they don’t have feelings. And that can be maddening—especially when someone who once felt deeply connected to you suddenly becomes cold, distant, or indifferent.

Yes, it hurts.

Yes, it’s devastating.

You are allowed to feel anger, sadness, grief, and hopelessness.

But emotions cannot be allowed to run the ship.

Emotions Are Signals, Not Leaders

Do you know what happens when emotions steer the ship?

Shipwrecks.

Emotions are information. They alert us when something is wrong—but they are not meant to drive. Loneliness signals a need for more connection, hopelessness – bigger goals. Financial stress you may need a better grasp on how money works, and lack of confidence a better fitness routine or wardrobe update. 

Listen to your emotions—but don’t give them the wheel.

When you take control—when you become the CEO of your own life—you decide your direction, your goals, and your boundaries. Grab the wheel. Have strong arms and pay attention.

You Cannot Fix Someone Else

It’s essential to remember that everyone is on their own journey. If someone has hurt you deeply—even if they act as though it didn’t matter—you cannot fix them. No matter how much love, effort, or understanding you offer, their healing is their responsibility.

Period.

Compassion Without Self-Abandonment

Loving someone means accepting them exactly as they are—not as who you hope they’ll become. This is how we long to be loved, and it’s what others deserve too.

But compassion does not require self-sacrifice.

You can have compassion and still walk away. You can break the cycle of pain by ending your participation in it and turning your focus inward. Your healing becomes an example—a quiet but powerful message that another way, rooted in love and self-respect, is possible.

And that is the deepest spiritual assignment of all.