The Specialist

If you’re not getting a message, life will keep beating you over the head with it. 

I have a horrible habit of wrapping my self-worth into work. And if I am noticed and praised for being a hard worker, talented, valuable, or best of the best – indispensable – and the person is reasonably attractive and single – I fall in love.

I have done this now twice, and hopefully the last epic failure was enough to teach me to – STOP HITCHING MY STAR TO SOMEONE ELSE’s. 

Both of my ‘bosses’ were, on the surface, successful entrepreneurs, people who were smart and brave enough to strike out on their own and start businesses – something I was in awe of but didn’t feel like I had the guts, money, or knowledge to do. 

Both of them complimented me on my work ethic and my outstanding results in managing people, writing, focusing and getting work done, and figuring out hard things without hand-holding. The biggest compliment I received was “you’re just so competent.” I still hold onto those words. 

I worked so hard to prove I added value to their lives and their businesses. 

But once the novelty of sleeping with me wore off, suddenly my very valued opinion was completely ignored. I went from being smart and respected to pushy and outspoken. 

Is there anything worse than working your tail off and being disregarded? Completing a project you’re totally proud of, only to be met with bored ambivalence? Sharing your well-thought-out opinion loudly and in an organized manner, only to hear silence and be completely ignored? 

Your choice in this is to stop seeing yourself as a victim and realize it’s just Wisdom – trying to get her message across: THIS IS NOT MEANT FOR YOU – you’re meant for bigger things than pigeon-holing yourself into these little men’s worlds.

Whenever I wanted more money, I could easily come up with ways to improve their businesses. Why couldn’t I just do that on my own? Was it societal conditioning that ingrained me with the belief I couldn’t? 

I loved that someone I deemed successful and important thought I had value. How do I get that without the validation of another flawed human? How can I find that in myself to love myself and my worth and push myself to go after the hugeness of my potential?

It took me a while to get the message, but then it came to me clearly, a lesson I desperately needed to change my life. These are the words from the Bible:

And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. 1 Kings 19:12 

The still small voice: 

STOP HITCHING YOUR STAR TO SOMEONE ELSE’S. 

Don’t  push for what wasn’t meant to be. It totally hurts to be disregarded. It totally hurts when you’ve tried so hard, and no one appreciates you. Absolutely. But this is going to happen over and over again – because other people’s paths and goals are not yours. 

You are not meant to trail other people. You are meant to be your own self-sustaining outwardly glowing light. You’re not the moon reflecting the light of the sun. You’re a freaking star.