The Specialist

Once you’ve figured out you’re made for something greater – which you are because you’re reading this – prepare yourself for the hard part – you’ve got to stop chasing the mythical relationship for a while.

Queue the crying and your brain frantically searching for a way out – Isn’t there someone who is going to fill the voids and answer the questions and solve the problems? 

I know – that’s what we’re taught through every story and movie and song from the time we’re born on. 

Our world is obsessed with romantic relationships. From a young age, we’re groomed through everything from religion to Disney movies to look for our happiness in someone else. We are taught that the only way to happiness and fulfillment is through a perfect match.

But has that actually worked for you? I know it hasn’t for me. 

This image of romantic love takes away all of our power and puts it in the hands of someone else – someone else who is also focused on their own personal fulfillment. 

It’s not a bad thing to be focused on yourself – that’s how we reach our potential. 

Asking someone to carry all the expectation for our own fulfillment puts a ton of pressure on that person to be your provider, counselor, cheerleader, sexual fantasy, romantic partner, travel planner and companion, housekeeper, babysitter, nurse, handyman – you name it. We hold many unfair expectations. And at the same time, are we holding the same ideals for ourselves? Can we do that just for ourselves, let alone for another person? Are we surprised when we let our partners down?

When we actually look at romantic love, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be – nor is our criteria for another person fair or even possible. 

When you free yourself to focus on reaching your own greatness and push yourself to achieve your own potential, then you won’t be striving to find someone to fill in holes. It’s uncomfortable for sure. But it saves you from having discomfort with yourself and in your soul. 

The Gift of Singlehood

There is an unparalleled gift to singlehood. To open the gift, we have to:

• Focus on self
• Figure out what you like and need
• Truly enjoy the freedom you have to do what you want with your time
• Act out – unencumbered to pursue our passions
• Work to erase self-doubt and invest support yourself 100% – like you would do for a partner, and would want a partner to do for you

We have one life. 

And the only thing that matters is today. Are you okay with getting through today? What do you want to happen tomorrow?

Your Own Galaxy

With the gift of singlehood, you can craft the life you want. But even if you’re in a committed relationship or marriage, you can still take the time to really center and focus on yourself. It’s not selfish – it’s self-love. It’s meant to fill our cup so it can overflow into others. And let’s be real – without you being at your best, you are probably dragging the people around you down with your neediness.

So have the courage to craft the life you want because you have to – no one is going to do it for you. If you hitch yourself to someone’s star, hoping that they’re leading you in the right direction, you’re only going to get more lost. 

They’re headed in their own direction. Don’t be mad if you hitched yourself to them and now you feel off track. Let your tail burn you out of their atmosphere and into your own personal galaxy. 

Sometimes that’s hard and messy, but your galaxy is made of what is specific to you – your likes, dislikes, interests, goals, dreams. If you don’t know what those are, or aren’t dedicated to achieving them for yourself, you end up a lonely little rock like Pluto, hanging out bored on the far reaches, not even considered a planet anymore cause your gravity isn’t strong enough to attract shit.

Fill your galaxy with wishes and dreams and goals and ideas and go after what makes your heart sing. 

You are the damn star.

Like most things that make us grow, it’s not easy to be single. The culture sells us everything from vacations and movies to Valentine’s Day gifts, based on the myth that you are not complete or valid until you’re in a romantic relationship. It’s bullshit. Things are often more fun and relaxing without having to consider or compromise the needs and emotions of others. You can do whatever you want!

If you wake up lonely and thinking of someone else, don’t beat yourself up! It’s just a reminder to stop, take a breath, and turn the focus on you. This is especially true if you’ve had a traumatic relationship with a narcissist – that’s their whole deal – turning the focus on them. So if you can’t stop thinking about them, it’s normal – but you have the power to get out of their trap and turn it around. Whether it’s a man or woman who has done you wrong, a job you hate, a family member who is driving you crazy – use that thought as a reminder to wake up – don’t go back to sleep! Calm your center and pull your thoughts to your strong heart, focus your mind on your dreams and what you want to accomplish. 

Have something to do! I got a disturbing text late last night that’s kept me from sleeping pretty much at all. But I have tools for comfort when this stuff happens – cause it does. I ate some cereal and had some tea. Stretched my body. Prayed. Read. Then sat down to work on this book. And I feel better – even happy! What’s going on with someone else? Completely out of my control. I focus on taking care of my own heart and making sure my house is at peace.

I am not hating on couples. There are plenty of gifts you get from a supportive, loving relationship. There are bountiful gifts even from a terrible one. In fact, this is where we find our greatest spiritual assignments. 

But if you find yourself single – there’s a reason. Or even if you’re in a relationship and feel isolated and alone – dive into it. In that emptiness, you’ll encounter your deepest self. The self that has been, and will be, with you through everything. 

Remember – you are not the moon reflecting someone else’s light – you are a damn star.